100 Reasons Being Fat Sucks 1-20

In no particular order:

#1 - Monster Boobs and the Fight for Freedom - Yeah, you'd think you'd like big boobs and all, but when you wear a button front shirt, your boobs in your shirt are like pre-pubescent girls at a New Kids concert in the 80's fighting to get through security. It's a blast when a button pops off at your nephew's t-ball game and you're trying in vain to hold the shirt together, knowing the whole time the parents of the other kids are thinking, "Hussy."

#2 - Stair-Stepping and Popping Knees - For your knees, going down stairs is like going down on a drunk frat boy - you think it's never going to end and you're wondering if it's even worth it.

#3 - Boy Scouts and Thunder Thighs - Your thighs rub together everywhere you walk. You try to pick 'quiet' fabrics, but even those have their issues. I'm waiting for the day I'm wearing cords and I start a fire right under my crotch.

#4 - Match and Match Alike - Fat girls aren't allowed to have matching bra and panty sets. Sometimes you can fake something, but even then it's almost impossible to match it to an outfit. It seriously compromises your ability to obtain some sexy times since we all know guys are all worried about whether or not you match.

#5 - Cankles - You say they're a side effect of medication, but they're really pockets of fat that slid down from your asscheeks.

#6 - Exes and Shoe Racks - You're shopping, then notice an ex over in the men's department. You quickly hide behind the shoe racks and spy on him, huddled over and peeking through the shelves until he leaves, because you can't let him see you fat.

#7 - Don't Take Me Out to the Ballgame - Even though nobody's scoring and everybody's striking out, sitting on the edge of the seat just means you're excited about the game - not that your fat ass won't fit in it. Which is doesn't.

#8 - Take My Breath Away - Think going down stairs is bad? Try going up a flight. Your lungs won't be able to thank you. They won't be able to do anything.

#9 - Intervention at Checkstand 10 - You always feel an amazing amount of guilt when buying ice cream. Especially when it's the only thing you're buying. You feel like all eyes are on you ready to announce, "Hussy at checkstand 10 will be having a threesome with Ben & Jerry later this evening."

#10 - Giving Them the Slip - Back to the boobs. It's all about the boobs. And the bras. The bras whose straps won't stay on your shoulders and slide down on your arms like the vixen in a romance novels. Not sexy at work. More like irritating as hell.

#11 - Scarlet Fever - Steps aren't so bad when compared to a long walk or half hearted run. Your face isn't so used to all of the physical exertion and turns beet red. With little white lines running through it. Think it sounds weird? It looks even worse. And it stays that way. For a long time.

#12 - Sweatin' to the Fatties - Running, walking, shaving your legs in the shower, all causes for your sweat glands to send forth a gush of smelly liquid that renders the shower you just took useless. Basically you reek of B.O., but at least your legs are clean-shaven.

#13 - Nicki Got a Big Ol' Butt, Oh Yeah - Not just a big butt, but a butt grossly out of proportion with the rest of your body, like you're standing in front of a funhouse mirror. *BLOOP!*

#14 - Ooo Baby Baby - It's not as big as your butt, your stomach is still quite noticeable. You look like you're seven or eight months pregnant, so you try to find shirts that are long and flare out. You know, like maternity tops. Which only makes the whole pregnancy thing worse.

#15 - Paging Dr. Fixit - Surgery. You want to have breast reduction surgery, but can't justify getting that done before the ear surgery you need. But you know that with obesity comes higher risks with anethesia, so you put it off. But it's not so bad - not being able to hear out of one ear makes it easier to ignore people.

#16 - Jiggle Jiggle Jello Plop! - There are things that are supposed to move during sex, and things that aren't. When the things that aren't start bouncing around like they're on a trampoline, it kind of takes away from the moment. Especially when your mind is screaming, "OH MY GOD, WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING TO MAKE THAT MOVE LIKE THAT, STOP!!! OH MY GOD!!! STOP!!!"

#17 - Put Your Best Foot Forward - When you gain weight, you gain it everywhere. Including your feet. So those awesome suede shoes you love and wait all year to wear have to stay in the closet, looking oh so pretty, and oh so lonely. And those knee-length boots that make your mouth water? Forget it. Thanks to calves as big as, well, baby cows, and your cankles, THAT ain't gonna happen.

#18 - Well Ain't That the Sh*t - There are pills out there designed to keep your body from absorbing fat, and they work. The fat goes right through your system and out your tookas. Taking everything it can with it. At inopportune times. Without notice. When my doctor asked once if I wanted prescription diet pills, I said, "Thanks, but the idea of pooping my pants doesn't appeal to me." He shrugged as if to say, "You're the one missing out." Yeah, missing my undies because they don't just have skidmarks, they have landslides. Pass!

#19 - You CAN Take It With You - Another little warning about chairs. You know you can't fit in the stadium chairs, but know even if you can fit IN a chair with arms, doesn't mean you can get OUT of it. So when you stand up, in front of a room full of people at a candle party, you'll find you have a chair attached to your giant ass. Sure, you can sit down quickly and pray nobody noticed, but you can tell by the looks of horror, by the looks that scream, "Oh thank GOD that's not me," that everyone did.

#20 - We'll Cross That Bridge... Or Maybe Not - You can't cross your legs. You can TRY, but you won't make it past your knee. You can force it over the other leg, but it'll go sliding off like butter on a hot potato. So there's no sitting demurely anymore for you. You can cross your cankles, though. There's always your cankles.

So there we go. 20 reasons. Stayed tuned for more. Ha! Like your fat ass is getting off the couch! HAHAHAHA!! That's funny.